Help! I can't find my Treo

It has photos of my latest hall-a-rama, the Courtyard by Marriott in Newport Rhode Island. Will post as soon as I locate it. I know my recent lack of hall snaps is upsetting to the 8-10 people who read this blog.

Hyatt Monterey "Spa and Resort"

Why you should read the website before you book a room.

Exhibit #1: The Hyatt Regency Monterey.

The Hyatt Monterey is one of those flat hotels. One building for checking in, many other low (3-story) buildings placed decoratively around it. It's one of those hotels where you park your car, then drag your luggage into reception, where you are then shown a map to locate your room number, which is in a building 1/4 of a mile away. Then you drag your luggage back to the car and drive to your room. These hotels always have a herd of extended-length golf carts parked, driverless, around the grounds.

But anyway, here's what I didn't read before I left.

"There are big plans afoot for renovating the Hyatt in Monterey: "We are very excited to announce the commencement of our $45 million renovation project. The new Hyatt Regency Monterey – the only hotel in the city of Monterey located adjacent to a golf course - will remain the largest hotel between the San Francisco Bay area and Los Angeles, and will feature a stunning new full-service spa and world-class amenities for our guests’ enjoyment."

Thanks. I love big plans, especially when they're afoot.

Please note the tense. Will, will, will. Not is, is, is.

It's actually kind of grim. Dank, in a near the ocean kind of way. Unhelpful signage. I was in building #9. To get to my room, I had to actually go to building #10 to get to the elevator that served both buildings. The carpet had the biggest hide-the-vomit pattern I've seen in a while. (Sorry I didn't put my feet in the photo for reference purposes).



Then there's this odd emergency exit information. Like most hotels, it has a map that shows a handy "You are here" red dot, plus where to find the emergency exit and stairs. Unlike most places I've stayed, it also provides the location of the ice machine(s). I don't know why you'd need to know the location of the ice machines in an emergency. Maybe it's for super-nervous people who need a slug of gin before they can tackle walking down three flights of stairs. I'm not sure.

Stuck in the '70s in Little Rock

I like Little Rock. I like Arkansas, too, but it must be tiring to have to perpetually defend your state against ignorant blowholes who believe that everyone who lives there is backwards and chromosome-damaged. If you want to change your attitude about Razorback world headquarters, stay in one of the two really nice hotels in Little Rock.The Capital and The Jefferson. (Both are reputed to have been assignation locations for former Governor Big Bill Clinton.)

Then there's the Wyndham, where you're more likely to run into a high school class from Hot Springs checking out the capital, and generally tearing up the hotel, like teens are wont to do. (Come to think of it, they might attract our former President as well). The Wyndham could be a Smithsonian Exhibit of Hotel architecture, circa 1973. Check out those bricks! And that typography! Yeah, yeah, they've 'updated' the carpet with a more 'modern' design. (It actually clashes with the walls, I think. It might have been better to go retro and put in some shag). And that wainscoting certainly gives it a sort of quasi colonial feel. If you're hallucinating.

It's no use. The basic structure has all the charm of a DMV building. The Wyndham Little Rock also has the loudest in-room air conditioners my colleague has ever heard. And that's saying something. Maybe they hope abusing one sense (your hearing) will make another sense (your sight) less sensitive. Who knows? Let us repair to the hotel's Steakhouse. Or, if you prefer, the hotel's Steakhouse.

If you're wondering, (see prior post) yes, the hotel's web site does say that the hotel is "in the heart of downtown North Little Rock". I will give some props to the writer of the Wyndham North Little Rock's web pages for at least trying to add some words to the hotel-desciber's lexicon. Copied and pasted from the WNLR's web site: "Count on comfort and performance in a spacious guest room..." I'm going to start looking for performance in my next room, that's for sure. Photos courtesy of Casey "has anyone seen Casey lately?" Ingle.

Calling The Mayo Clinic

I think the "Hospitality Industry" must have done a massive secret survey of the traveling public and determined that every successful hotel web site must contain four magic words. "In the heart of". Either that or web writers have a secret fear they're going to suddenly collapse onto their keyboards with massive myocardial infarctions.
Here's the evidence, gathered solely from the hotels whose hallways I've posted about below.
According to their respective web sites:

The Amway Grand is "conveniently located in the heart of the downtown Grand Rapids' business and entertainment district"

The Sheraton Crystal City is "..nestled in the heart of Crystal City"

The Doubletree Santa Monica is "...in the heart of Santa Monica"

The Omni Chicago is "Located in the heart of the "Magnificent Mile"

The Jefferson is "Located in the heart of downtown Richmond Virginia"

The Marriott East Lansing is "Located in the heart of the downtown business district"

As a public service, here are some synonyms for these clearly over-worked writers to use. Middle, nerve center, core, hub, center, and nexus. Feel free to use one.

The Amway Grand

A very Calvinist hallway, I'd say, which fits perfectly with the Amway Grand Hotel's location in Grand Rapids, Michigan, home of former President Gerald Ford and the pyramid-scheme-disguised-as-"Multilevel Marketing"-phenomenon known as Amway. The Protestant purist ethos is in full bloom here, with a severly patterned carpet, functional toe moldings, discreet wall tones and inoffensive photographs. I will say, the red and off-white carpet is kind of a relief from the blue-dominant designs I've been treading on lately. And best of all, part of their web site appears to have been authored by the same writer who scripted the English-As-A-Second-Language exit sign at the Sheraton Crystal City. (See post below). Here's what it says, copied and pasted verbatim from the hotel's "In Room Amenities" page: "On top of that, you'll enjoy these thoughtful amenities for a more comfort stay:"

I'm all for a more comfort stay.

Thanks to Casey "on the road again and I'm still angry" Ingle for the photo

The Sheraton Crystal City

Welcome to Washington, D.C. It needs lots of hotel rooms for all those people hungering after government lucre. The hotels can't fit in the city proper, so many of them are congregated in Crystal City, Virginia. Crystal City isn't a city, by the way, it's an "unincorporated area". I guess Sheraton Unincorporated Area doesn't summon up the kind of luxury images that would get you cough up the steep rates the hotel charges. But anyway, I had a reservation and when I got the to the hotel, I was was pleasantly surpised by being given a room on the CLUB LEVEL.


You know this is a good, luxury thing, because of the giant script "L". If it had been in the same font & size as the c,l,u,b and e,v,e,l, it wouldn't be as nice. Here's the weird thing. I couldn't find anything that distinguishes the Club Level from the non Club Level. Nothing looked, felt, or smelled like a Club Level. I don't think this nice strip of Duct Tape (r) (PHOTO ONE) makes it club level-ish. Nor do the dual holes in the carpet(PHOTO TWO). Maybe the ice machine is what gives the club level its special achievement of clubness (PHOTO THREE).















































There was an interesting sign on the exit door, which I think was either a sad commentary on the hotel's expected popularity or it was written by a recent graduate of an English as a Second Language course. I see that this door cannot be re-entered by the guest. (Why didn't they just go ahead and capitalize "be" along with every other word?)




But here's a cheery note. I think I've spotted a design trend. The Sheraton Unincorporated Area/Crystal City has The Same Pattern Interruptus carpet scheme as the Doubletree in Santa Monica. (See Prior Post). Was this some kind of hotel interior design trend from 1989? Patterned carpet, strip of brown, patterned carpet. Who thought this looked good? (The stringy thing is carpet backing)















For a grand finale, The Sheraton Crystal City (or Sheraton CC as us insiders call it) has a very mysterious elevator button. Maybe you can tell me what it really means. My guess is that it means you should push it when you realize help is on the way, but not before.

The Doubletree, Santa Monica, California

Ah, the Doubletree. This little wonder poses an interesting conundrum to the intrepid chronicler-of-hotel-hallways; viz.: It doesn't have halls, per se. They're open on one side. And this blog isn't "Hotel Half-Hallways". So let's treat these like full, adult hallways with two walls, and not a railing and one wall. A couple of interesting notes: 1) You can see other hallways simultaneously. 2) There is an interesting design element that made sense to someone, but not to me. You see, the architect specified a nice big window next to the "hallway", which makes sense on one hand, because it lets in light. On the other, leaving the curtain open (to let in said light) prevents you from having any privacy whatsoever, particularly, (as noted above) since you can see into that window from multiple floors and/or vantage points. So if you value keeping your business your business, you need to close the curtain to the window, which reduces its light-passing capabilities to the point of unusability. It was a nice thought, however.

That can't be said about the oddball carpet "pattern interruptus" you see in the bottom photo. I can't decide whether this was done on purpose ("my vision! my vision!" quoth the interior designer) or because they didn't order quite enough carpet to cover the floor, and had to fill in with remnants that "sort of" matched the main pattern. I say "sort of" because not much ties it to the main swirly pattern beyond the fact that it is a) made of carpeting and b) is the same nap length as the patterny bits. Is there a logic to this that I'm not quite understanding?

What's that white blobby thing in the middle photo?

And why on earth did they call a chain of hotels "Doubletree"? Were the owners (now Hilton, as in "Doubletree by Hilton"), overly wowed by the Doublemint twins as youngsters? Did they think a double tree sounds more impressive than a single tree? If so, why stop with two? Why not Tripletree or Quadratree? I actually found a definition (sketchy, but the best I could do with a short-ish web search) for doubletree, since its definition didn't spring to mind. Here it is:

"Doubletree. A pivoted bar with a whippletree attached to each end, used in harnessing two animals abreast to pull a wagon, plow, etc."

That says comfortable lodging, doesn't it? (I don't know what a whippletree is, either). Ah, but here's something to think about. I will do the logic for you, and let you draw your own conclusions. A) Paris and Nicky Hilton B) (From the definition above): "Harnessing two animals abreast to pull a wagon." There you go. Mystery solved.

Thanks to Casey (I'm an angry man) Ingle for the photos.